Your ex has already decided not to give you a chance?
When you’ve shared a special connection with someone, it’s hard to let it go.
Especially when you know, there are still many potentials if he would open his heart again.
If that’s something you want, then it’s only natural you would try to convince him that he should give the relationship another shot. After all, convincing him feels like the right thing to do.
Why would you not try to reason with him? Why wouldn’t you try to show him he’s making a mistake by pulling away?
Yet this is one of those times in life when our instincts lead us awry. Because convincing your ex never works. Fortunately, I know something that does.
(By the way, If you’d like laser-targeted advice about getting your ex to talk to you again, check out my Relationship Rewrite Method presentation).
Here’s the thing, triggering feelings will always trump logical argument.
Why? Because emotions run the show. We humans are not as rational as we’d like to believe. That’s true of all forms of decision-making, but especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
Emotion. It’s the best shot to win back your ex.
I care about all my clients. But I have to be honest, sometimes a client’s story tugs at my heart, and it gets personal for me. That was the case with Leah, a mother of five, the oldest of whom was born when she and the father were seventeen, just high school sweethearts.
I’ll admit there was a judgmental part of me that thought Leah and Joel had been incredibly irresponsible to start having children while they were still children themselves. But I soon forgot all about that as I learned of the beautiful family they had created together, only to be torn apart by a short series of missteps and what I’ll call “almost-infidelity.” First by one, and then (in reaction) by the other.
Leah sought out my professional services first. Joel had moved out three months earlier.
Leah, on the other hand, was not ready to let go of what they shared.
She had a fire in her eyes every time she spoke directly to Joel in our sessions, demanding that he stop living the life of a bachelor, pursuing other women while her life began to look more and more like that of a single mother, just struggling to get by.
And this is where things get complicated for me. It was hard for me to maintain professional objectivity. You see, I wanted to convince Joel as well. I wanted to jump in with Leah and fight for this little family to survive.
Fortunately, I knew better.
So I privately began to teach Leah the techniques I’m going to share with you today. Let me show you the difference between convincing your ex versus triggering the right kind of feelings.
The easiest way to illustrate the difference between convincing your ex and triggering feelings is to offer you a simple list of dos and don’t. So let’s get right to it.
Don’t Do This to win back your ex:
- Please don’t argue that he owes you an explanation since you know he still has feelings for you.
- Don’t tell him the relationship was going just fine, and then try to get him to own his share of the blame for why things began to fall apart.
- Don’t imply he owes you something after all you’ve been through together.
- Don’t tell him real relationships take work, and he needs to grow up.
- Don’t try to prove you shared something special by forcing him to acknowledge specific examples from your past.
All that telling, convincing, and arguing will get you nowhere. In fact, it will simply reinforce the painful emotions that are driving him away from you in the first place.
Why? Because his brain will automatically come up with counter-arguments.
For example, if you tell him things were great in the past, he will immediately test that assertion’s truth by scanning his memories for contradictory evidence. He’ll think of the fights, the frustrations, and other low points.
He’ll mention those problems. And this will reinforce your efforts to convince. You’ll end up showing him your worst side. Angry. Desperate. And if that goes on too long, you’ll become bitter, resentful, and maybe even sarcastic.
You know it’s true. This is how we all react when something matters to us deeply, but the other person refuses to be convinced. This is not what I want for you to show him. Don’t try to convince.